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The Soulmate Myth, going beyond popular belief


Conscious coupling


June 10 2022


You say that one simple word and not-so-simple connotations come from it. A flurry of romantic, fateful encounters might come to mind. The heroic love-conquers-all stories of the fairy tales might make you swoon. It’s even possible that all the deep turmoil and drama created by Hollywood or Shakespearean plays could bring up that tinge of heartache resulting from not-so-easy life conditions throwing hurdles at soulmates to overcome.

The gist of it is… the concept of a soulmate isn’t that simple.

What is a soulmate

We all have a basic understanding of it, so I won’t dive into that.

What I do want to mention is the soulmate myth of the one-and-only. Doesn’t that seem bleak? So you only have this “ONE” soulmate in life. So who and where the hell is your one mythical soulmate? What if you missed your opportunity with them? What if fate messed up and never brought you two together? What if you made the wrong choice? These endless questions create this unsurmountable pressure that you better get it right or else your happily-ever-after is doomed. It’s like you’re chasing after this ideal image of a perfect partner in your dream relationship and living life like it's always rainbows-and-unicorns every day.

Can we please reprogram that myth in your mind?

You have more than one.

Now doesn’t that feel so much better? (Did you just do a little sigh of relief?)

Don’t put so much pressure on someone needing to “be” your soulmate. That person doesn't have to be your one-and-only-soul match. You don’t need to require perfection from them. It’s when you drop all these relationship expectations and assumptions that you can transparently cocreate the relationship you truly desire with your partner.

Let’s see soulmates differently

Your partner can “become” your soulmate. Things don't need to all magically click into place immediately for things to feel meant to be.

Instead of placing your image of a soulmate onto another person, shift your thinking to have the QUALITY of a soulmate relationship.

Here’s the difference: If you see it as a PERSON, you either get the right person or not. It requires your “soulmate” to be a 100% match. But if you see it as a QUALITY, then you could build this soulmate-like relationship with anyone who is a close match.

The goal then turns into whether two people have the willingness to come together to cocreate the custom fit relationship that works for both of them. Their intentional choice to do whatever it takes for the relationship to work and build a deep connection with each other is what truly matters, not finding the mythical other half of your soul.

Alright, I am simplifying this a bit here, but can you see the difference between the two perspectives on soulmates?

People can be soulmates and not have that willingness. And those relationships don’t work out well in the long term anyways—they either break up or miserably stay together in the relationship. (Psst, soulmates can also enter your life just for a season to teach you a soul lesson you needed to learn.)

Couples who have that willingness to cocreate their loving relationship are the ones you see as two white-haired, wrinkled individuals who still exude that endearing love for their partner even after spending decades together through the ups and downs of life.

Did you also notice that I've been using the word “partner” instead of “soulmate”? That was very intentional. The word “soulmate” has the unstated connotation that it just magically works without much effort. Therefore, I chose the word “partner” because that also has an underlying meaning of someone you are collaborating with towards a common goal.

Relationships require BOTH people to be involved and to put in the necessary effort to make it work, especially if you’re looking for the quality caliber of a “soulmate” relationship.

So what is your soulmate relationship like

When asked, people typically answer “yeah, I have an idea of what I want or what I'm looking for in a relationship.” Have you ever noticed when it's also followed by a long pause, little shoulder shrug, awkward chuckle, or uncertainty in their eyes?

And when they start listing off qualities or stating what they want, it sounds fairly generic or is a list of things that don't even contribute to creating a lasting relationship (such as *ahem* …height?).

Then if you try to get them to elaborate on what exactly “that” means to them, they might not even be able to clearly tell you. (Super helpful, right?)

This is why I developed my guided journal Love Vision Clarity …to help people with this exact problem.

Yes, this is a problem!!

If you can't clearly define who and what you truly want in a relationship, you…

  • Merely are relying on attraction or chemistry, which could fade over time without a good foundation.
  • May find yourself drifting from dates/relationships without finding deeper satisfaction or meaning, which can be emotionally draining and waste a lot of your time and energy.
  • Can't effectively communicate your needs to your partner, which can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and misunderstandings.
  • More likely to mold yourself to fit the desires of your partner. Over time, you start to compromise your own identity, lose your self-esteem, or fail to set clear boundaries.
  • May start to feel insecure and indecisive about the relationship, which makes it even harder for you to open up or address concerns.

Does this sound familiar?

Then I have a solution for you!

I've felt exactly all of the above while I was dating.

It became so frustrating and disappointing going on date after date, having conversation after conversation, with all of it going nowhere. I kept blaming the scenario or the lack of “quality” dates, and of course, that continued to keep me single and so not ready to mingle.

I knew I had to do something different and approach dating in an alternative way. Looking externally for answers didn't work anymore, so I had to turn internally.

My fuzzy list of wants and needs in my ideal relationship started to evolve into something deeper, more insightful, and fully comprehensive as well.

…and that became my love vision.

By going through my guided journal, you’ll be defining the details of what your soulmate-like relationship looks and feels like. By answering the variety of conversational prompts, you'll get a holistic image of who + what you want in a relationship covering wide aspects of a relationship and in life as well.

Btw, no one has an identical love vision. Even the ones written by those “perfect” couples are still not identical! Everyone will be highlighting different aspects of the relationship that truly matters to them. Vision writing is completely nonexclusive⏤no matter what sort of preferences you have. The best part is that this is truly YOURS because you are the one who wrote it.

Once you have this clarity, things just seem to click into place as to…

  • Why past relationships didn't work out because ultimately, they weren't a good match to the vision of the relationship you truly wanted.
  • How you start filtering through profiles with more ease because you're not wasting time with people who have or don't have the qualities you're looking for.
  • Intentionally having better quality conversations on dates to vet whether this person in front of you is really a good long term fit for you.

All the time you put into writing your love vision will transform the way you date without wasting more time and energy on the wrong people, which then minimizes any additional unnecessary heartache as well.

Now that your perspective on soulmates has changed, consider how would you approach dating and your relationship differently going forward. And if you'd like some help getting clear about your own love vision, grab a copy of my guided journal. Feel free to reach out to me as well. I would love to see how I could help.


Cheers to developing your soulmate quality relationship!

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Psst, the featured photo is by Anete Lusina via pexels

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About the author

Kat Nieh is a dating clarity coach bringing more fun, trust, and openness back into dating. She helps single working professionals go on their last first date and find their soulmate app-free.

She has also published 3 books, is a best selling author, and has been featured on tv, podcasts, and media publications as a love expert.

Get her freebie "Find Your Soulmate Fast" here!

Kat Nieh is a dating clarity coach bringing more fun, trust, and openness back into dating. She helps single working professionals go on their last first date
and make those hard conversations easier.

She has also published 3 books, is a best selling author, and has been featured on tv, podcasts, and media publications as a love expert.

Get her freebie
"Find Your Soulmate Fast" here!

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