What you look like doesn’t dictate your worthiness for love


Conscious coupling


September 27 2023

She was hesitant to start dating. She didn’t feel ready.

My client avoided eye contact and lowered her voice as she revealed “I want to lose some weight first.”

How she looked made her self conscious.

How she felt about herself made her want to hide.

She went on explaining all the things she didn’t like about how she looked.

My heart sank.

This woman before me has such a beautiful spirit and so much to offer as a partner. Her concerns about her body image were wildly exaggerated by her low self esteem. She self selected herself off the market! Her own insecurities were the only reasons holding herself back.

She was not only denying herself the chance at love, but she was also denying her future partner from even having the chance to get to meet and know her.

That isn't ok.
That can't be her reality.
That can't be the reason why she can't have love!

Your physical appearance isn’t everything

Sure, your appearance feeds into creating someone’s first impressions of you, but you are also much more than that.

Clients tell me that they feel insecure about their body weight or the way they dress. But what truly shows through is HOW they feel about themselves.

Think of the people you know that might not fit the standard definition of “hot” with the perfect bodies, but are still super charismatic. There’s something about them that just draws you in and makes them magnetic. It’s their energy. How you show up is what makes the difference… and that shift can change in an instant.

So if the person doesn’t give you an opportunity or cannot see beyond that, then they aren’t a good match for you anyway. People’s bodies and appearances will change through time and life circumstances. Appearance doesn’t guarantee a long lasting relationship. (Nope, a full head of hair or a gorgeous set of breasts aren’t helpful in the middle of a disagreement.) Ones solely built upon attraction based on appearance won’t stand the test of time and life.

What you bring to the relationship isn’t seen in the mirror

Your value as a person is not based on your physical appearance but rather on your character, values, and actions. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected regardless of their body size or shape.

First things first: Your self worth isn’t 100% based on your physical appearance. Just because you look good, it doesn’t mean you have high self worth.

Your self worth comes from inside of you. It’s about how you see yourself, not about what you actually look like. It's about who you are, how you treat others, and what you contribute to the world. It's about your behavior, your attitude, your beliefs, and your energy. It’s about how you pick yourself up after a setback and how you persevere through challenges. It’s about your capacity to love and be loved—things that no mirror or scale can ever reflect.

Perfect body? Meh, there's no such thing!

Perfection is an illusion, and nobody is perfect. The “perfect body” is a product of societal pressure and unrealistic beauty standards. Chasing that impossible ideal just leads to disappointment and more self esteem issues. It's healthier to appreciate your body as it is and for what it is: an incredible, faithful vessel that has supported you on this adventure we call life.

When you strive for perfection, you run the risk of losing yourself in the process, often forgetting to appreciate the beauty of your individuality. Everyone has their hang ups, even those seemingly “flawless” people you see on Instagram. The key is not to seek perfection, but to embrace yourself as you are―imperfections and all.

Plus, attraction is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. People are attracted to all kinds of different body types, not just what is portrayed as “ideal” in mainstream media. 

Diversity in body shapes and sizes is a part of the natural human variation. Each body is unique, and these differences should be celebrated rather than shamed.

Physical attraction is just one component of a relationship

When it comes to dating, physical attraction and chemistry can certainly spice things up, But that’s only one facet of a relationship. Attraction could be built… and can quickly be destroyed, too. If a relationship is solely based on physical attraction, it tends to lack depth and can be easily threatened by one of the partners meeting someone younger or more attractive. Now, does a relationship like that feel secure to you?

As we age, our appearances will inevitably change, but the bonds you've created will only grow stronger with time.

The relationships that go beyond the superficial level and have a deeper understanding of each other stand the test of time. They are built through emotional intimacy, shared values, intellectual compatibility, and mutual respect. Those are what truly matters to create a healthy, lasting relationship.

Get radically honest with yourself

With all that said, take the time to consider what kind of relationship are you looking for. What qualities is your dream relationship built upon? How has your current focus or excuses deterred you from love?

And let’s be honest now, are you using your body image as an excuse to not get out there? What are you actually scared of when it comes to dating? Are you worried about getting hurt, so it feels easier to blame it on something that takes time to change? Even if you now have the perfect body, what other excuses would you think up to tell yourself you’re not ready to date yet?

If you want love now, then let go of your excuses and get out there. Change your priorities around to make time for love. Get clear about who and what you want in a relationship that’ll truly make you happy, loved, and fulfilled in the long run. Believe that what you want is possible.

I challenged that same client’s thinking by sharing “What if you met someone who is attracted to you just as you are now? What if he loves you for who you are, not for this ideal physical version of you? How much stronger do you think your relationship would be?”

She replied, “Yeah, you’re right.” Then she met her now husband 11 weeks later through friends.

Beauty is as diverse as we are, and the right person will see you for you.

Life’s too short to let insecurities curb your happiness. Your self worth isn’t solely based on your appearance, so striving for an unrealistic standard of perfection leads to unnecessary stress and self esteem issues. Instead, embrace yourself, just as you are. Seek those who appreciate you for who you are at your core, not by what you look like or what you wear.

Remember, a quality relationship is about your emotional connection and shared values and experiences, and those are always more meaningful than superficial physical attraction.


Cheers to courageously putting yourself out there and finding someone who sees you for your inner beauty.

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P.S. If you'd like to take it a step further or need some help getting a clearer vision of who + what you want in a relationship, check out my guided journal “Love Vision Clarity”. It’ll help you develop and create a clear blueprint of what will help you feel loved, happy, and fulfilled in a relationship.

Psst, the featured photo is by MART PRODUCTION via pexels

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About the author

Kat Nieh is a dating clarity coach bringing more fun, trust, and openness back into dating. She helps single working professionals go on their last first date and find their soulmate app-free.

She has also published 3 books, is a best selling author, and has been featured on tv, podcasts, and media publications as a love expert.

Get her freebie "Find Your Soulmate Fast" here!

Kat Nieh is a dating clarity coach bringing more fun, trust, and openness back into dating. She helps single working professionals go on their last first date
and make those hard conversations easier.

She has also published 3 books, is a best selling author, and has been featured on tv, podcasts, and media publications as a love expert.

Get her freebie
"Find Your Soulmate Fast" here!

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