Get ahead of conflicts and misunderstandings

We all know life can get busy or overwhelming, then it can be easy to just run on autopilot, right? Relationship efforts slacken. Other seemingly more important things take priority over your connection with your partner. You think you’re connecting, but it’s actually very surface-level instead.

Then all these conflicts, misunderstandings, feelings of being taken for granted, and needs being unmet all bubble underneath… until it blows up in your faces!

So how do you prevent that from happening? How can you and your partner become more resilient in times when life just takes over?

*drum roll*

Do regular relationship check ins!

Set up time for more in-depth conversations

Have the conversations needed to make sure things don’t snowball into issues later on. Get ahead of issues by addressing them and strengthening parts of your relationship that do work.

Running on autopilot might be good for getting things done, but it’s not an ideal state to be in for a relationship connection, especially a romantic one.

Be honest with me now… When was the last time you did a relationship check-in with your partner?

I’ll share first: I did one with my boyfriend this past weekend, and I was able to understand his version of how he shows up in the way I wanted to feel. Because how I do it isn’t natural to him, he couldn’t mirror my behaviors back. So I had to take the time to understand how he does it in his own way, and share suggestions on things he could do to help bridge the gap I was feeling. Plus, I also got some helpful reminders, too.

Can you see how doing these check-ins can avoid leaving things unsaid and prevent blowups or feeling taken for granted?

Gather insights + feedback

Here are 4 questions to improve + deepen your relationship with your partner:

1 – What’s ONE THING you’d like your partner to do more of?

Be specific as to what the actual behavior is, so your partner has a clear formula of what + how they can continue repeating it for you.

Help your partner understand your inner thought process more by sharing why that is important to you:
“I really like it when you (insert behavior here) because it makes me feel…”

2 – What’s ONE THING you’d prefer your partner do less of?

Once again, be very clear about what this less-than-ideal behavior is. If you can give them a specific example of when they did it, that’s even better! But keep in mind your tone and delivery. Make sure it’s not blaming or accusatory, but sharing how that behavior made you feel.

Listen closely… This next part is important: Share with your partner what they can do instead. Go back and reread that! Give them an alternative solution. Avoid leaving them guessing as to what would make you happy.

Continue on by sharing your why:
“When you do this behavior, it makes me feel… It would be really helpful if you could try doing (insert preferred behavior here) instead?”

3 – What’s ONE THING they can improve upon?

Remember, this is a preference or suggestion. You’re bringing this up to let them know what’s missing for you in your relationship. This gives them the opportunity to do something about it now… if they so choose.

Once again, share why:
“This makes me feel… Here’s how I (insert how you show up in this way or what you prefer). What’s something you’re willing to do that can help bridge this gap I’m feeling?”

Let your partner answer, then follow up with: “Here’s how I can help, too. (Insert what you’re willing to do here)”

It takes two to make this change work, so think of how YOU can help your partner support this new behavior, too.

4 – What are THINGS you’re grateful for about your partner?

End the conversation on a great note. Let your partner know how much you appreciate them. Go all out and share multiple appreciations, even if it’s something you’ve said before. It’s good to hear it again and again to reinforce what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and loved.

Open communication stands the test of time

Openly communicating about all this creates more clarity in your relationship. You're not relying on chemistry to keep the relationship going. You're not hoping things just magically work out. You're being proactive about making your relationship work!

Awareness fosters opportunities to deepen your relationship and freedom of choice. Remember, these aren’t demands. How you both choose to act after this conversation is up to you.

If they take your feedback well and act upon it, then awesome! Enjoy the benefits.

If they don’t do anything about it, then let that also be feedback and the opportunity to take the conversation further.

Here are some additional tips to set you both up for success:

TIP 1 – Decide upon + schedule in a dedicated time for this conversation.

This avoids letting it be forgotten in the busyness of life. This also gives you both time to prepare for it and be thoughtful with your feedback.

TIP 2 – Allow the other person to be heard.

Avoid interrupting them when they talk. Give them space to express themselves fully. Please show them the respect by listening intently.

TIP 3 – If you have any doubts, ask clarifying questions.

Make sure you’re understanding their point completely. Avoid making any assumptions. Remember, there are no dumb questions.

TIP 4 – Come from your heart, not your ego.

Remember, you’re sharing all this with the intention of bettering your relationship and wanting to be closer to your partner. Avoid using this as a way to pick a fight or rant about their faults.

This is a discussion, not a soap box. Let me repeat once again: Your requests are not a demand. Your requests are an opportunity and open conversation for you and your partner to become closer.

TIP 5 – If it gets heated, take a moment to take a deep breath and calm down.

It’s ok to pause at any time and pick it up back again.

TIP 6 – This is all a practice.

The execution doesn’t have to be perfect. The important part is that the communication is made.

The more you do this, the easier it’ll become. Tweak accordingly based on your interactions and communication styles. With time and practice, you’ll discover how to finetune and customize this process, so it uniquely works for you and your partner.